Monday, December 1, 2008

Voice

When I was going through infertility, blogging was a cool breeze on a hot day. I had so much anger, passion, hope, fear, grief; words just tumbled out.

Going through pregnancy, words don't tumble out as gracefully. They're there, all right. But they're jumbled. I had three years of experience with infertility to help shape the sound and cadence of my voice. In six months of pregnancy, I've struggled to find a steady rhythm that will let it all out.

I feel like an awkward teenager struggling to find an identity. Although it left it's mark, infertility is behind me. Although I have a bulging belly swarming with life, I can barely bring myself to believe it's real.

As days pass, I stumble closer and closer to motherhood. I don't know what to think of it, let alone what to write of it. There's just so much there. But I wouldn't go back, and for that, I can only go forward.

Graceful or not, this is where I am.

5 comments:

m said...

Maybe you're stumbling to find the words, but these came out quite nicely. This post really resonates with me. What a great line: graceful or not, this is where I am.

Amen, sister.

Tim Chadwick said...

Indeed, your honesty summed with: "this is where I am," I think are the most powerful words yet.

You're pregnant! :)

Christa said...

Hi April! I have been thinking about you and hope you are doing well. I cannot believe you are 6 months already! Take care!!

MainelyMama said...

You're doing an amazing job though. Pregnancy and parenting are truly fluid so just when you start to feel like you've "got it" things change again and that same lost feeling returns. Ask me how I know. ;) Hope you & Kyle are doing great!

Deb said...

I love checking the picture on your blog which shows the size of the twins. I can't get over how much they look like their grandmother! ;)

I could totally relate to your words - after almost thirty years of being a mom, the words are still all a jumble. Get set for the best ride of your life! And wear your seatbelt!

Hugs and Kisses to all ~ MOM