Monday, January 28, 2008


driving home on this still afternoon
I work to convince myself of all the reasons not to run

it's been months
the roads are snowy, icey, and I do not have shoes cut out for this
it's getting dark

but then I'm out there
slush slips into my sneakers and cradles my feet
leash in hand
trusty puppy of last year, now grown, faithfully by my side

the last gasps of daylight reach out to meet me
and pull me in
until there is nothing else

just footsteps
my breath
my life

I fall in love with my world
and am immersed

in swaying pines
the milky amber shows of dusk
the hint of a season that will slowly roll in

air and sky

not knowing all that I don't know

inviting it in, anyway.

Sunday, January 13, 2008


Does a large Papa Gino's pizza fit the bill on a detox?

How about a bag of caramels?

Or three bottles of wine with my beautiful sister in a San Francisco hotel?

Ten tootsie rolls?

Egg and bacon breakfast sandwich lovingly cooked by my sweet husband?

How about two cheescake cannolis with honey basil sauce?

Today's detox lesson: the best detoxing isn't about food at all.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Day 4

We're still alive!

And feeling fantastic. Perhaps I'm experiencing some sort of vegetable induced high, but I feel more energetic than I've felt since I was two. My cells are happy. My liver, good god, is happy.

So I've been thinking a lot about willpower. Does it take willpower to suddenly cut out salt, sugar, meat, dairy, alcohol, wheat, and processed foods? Is it willpower that's gotten us to day 4? And is it willpower that will get us (or not get us) through day 21? I originally assumed it was. When I describe my detox to friends, family, and co-workers who are now feeling well assured that I truly may be a bit off-center, they also assume this is some bizarre test of willpower. Probably because they know how I like my wine. And buffalo.

But here on day 4, with a clear head and calming aromatherapy all around me, I will tell you it's not about willpower. It is about consciousness.

As much as I am and have long been a healthy eater, I never realized how few conscious choices I made about what I popped in my mouth. If this were about willpower, it would mean that my food choices until this point have been about free will. They haven't. To me, free will is when I am informed, concious, and aware of my ability to make my own decisions. It is only now, after making decisions about what I will not eat, that I become conscious of all the unconscious eating I have done.

Will we make it 21 days? I hope that we will choose to. But more than that, I hope that we will retain our consciousness about food choices. I have never dieted in my life. I honor, love, and strive to nurture my relationship with food. This is not an exercise in self deprivation.

Food is important. Food gives life, but when abused, food can take life. Food nourishes, food depletes. Food heals, food hurts. Food protects, food makes us vulnerable. Our relationship with food is so much more than feeding and flushing away. What we choose to eat represents how we value our selves, our bodies, our souls. And making those choices...choices about my self, my body, my soul...requires consciousness.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Day 1

Happy New Year, I'm on a detox. For the next 21 days, I will consume as many organic fruits and vegetables as I please. I will nosh on seaweed, legumes, oats, and brown rice. I will partake in salt baths, chakra cleansing, skin brushing, yoga, meditation, and massage. I will carry a crystal in my pocket. My mind altering substances will be limited to Watermelon Flower Essence and a peculiar mix of roots and twigs I bought from the herbalist next door to my hairdresser.

My detox book suggests keeping a "detox diary" and assures me that it can be "most illuminating and quite amusing" to look back upon one's feelings during body purification. Readers are encouraged to be open and honest in an effort to rid the mind of emotional baggage, and are assured that, "after all, nobody else will read it." Well. If I'm going to abstain from sugar, salt, meat, dairy, alcohol, wheat, and all the other fun stuff for the next 21 days, somebody is going to hear about it.

And although I might sound slightly whiny about this, I will admit that I'm actually quite thrilled. I look forward to the "fresh, sweet smelling breath" and svelte, cellulite free body my book promises me I will have in a short three weeks. Not that my breath isn't already fresh and sweet.

So it's day one, and I believe I've already learned the most important lesson I will learn in this toxin-less journey. My patient and enduring husband loves me even more than I knew. Because I'm not flying solo on this detox here. And as much as he may think I'm crazy every time I make him take three drops of Watermelon Flower Essence under his tongue and think fertile thoughts, he never says so.