Slaying the pink elephants

There are big, clumsy, pink elephants in the room of my subconscious. They are postpartum depression pink elephants. I'm ready for them to leave.

The more I've tried to convince myself that I will not think about pink elephants, the harder they've grown to ignore. It's time for a new game plan.

I desperately longed for my babies for years. I will not allow POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION to take this time from me. I accept that I cannot control what comes my way. But I am a mother, a wife. I am me. It's my move.

So I'm getting down to the dirty business of dealing with IT.

I'm choking down disgusting fish oil and getting out of the house. I'm talking about it when I want to and not talking about it when I don't. I'm acknowledging intrusive thoughts.

I'm blogging about it because terrible things happen because of POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION. Because it seems like something that happens to other people and because we're altogether far too dishonest with ourselves and with each other.

And if ignoring the pink elephants makes them stronger, I will use that to my advantage. I'm outing them. I am owning up.

Infertility did not define me. POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION does not define me. I am me. I am wife mother sister daughter friend niece granddaughter cousin neighbor blogger.

I am me.

Relief

That Royal Jelly could have been the end of me. I could have choked while gagging and been found by my sweet husband crumpled on the floor in a pool of bee juice. Lucky for me, I have a friend who cares about me more than she cares about pretending I'm rational.

"I'm throwing this Royal Jelly away. It's making you sick."

"No! I need it to have a baby!"

"That's ridiculous. You can't even look at it without turning green. I'm throwing it away."

"No! It was expensive! And I need it to have a baby!"

(Picture said friend heading swiftly toward my garbage can.)

"No! No! No! I need it to have a baby!"

(Thwump. This is the sound of said friend ignoring me as she tosses the prized container in the trash.)

"Oh thank god." And a wash of relief.

I feel so free.