Thursday, April 30, 2009

If I could just work out the issues with my underwear, I'm pretty sure it would all be okay.

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you may remember an embarrassing incident with my undies during IVF.  Two babies and almost a year later, it seems I still haven't quite mastered the whole underpants thing.

Once we got the babies home from the hospital and life started to take on some sort of warped normalcy (because it can only be so normal when you're getting 30 minutes of sleep each night), I started thinking that somehow, someday, I might like to be sexy again.  I realize that saying "again" presupposes that I was sexy "before."  But there was a time.  

So day by day, I started making efforts.  I put my wedding band back on.  Not, in itself, specifically sexy.  But reminding my husband he married me and therefore is required to find me sexy couldn't hurt.  One day I put on some mascara.  I started wearing patchouli again, since everyone knows it's sexy to smell like the forest floor.  I bought some Bio-Oil for the canyons they call stretch marks on my tummy.  (And wow for Bio-Oil.  I give you 117 random points.  Because if I were the type of girl to post before and after pictures, wow.)

And then one day, I decided it was time to turn in the uber-comfy, up to my neck pregnancy undies.  And to break out the slinkier, pre-baby ones.

To celebrate this milestone, I committed myself to also take a shower that day.  Check.  I committed myself to throwing on some chapstick.  Check.  I committed to brushing my hair AND my teeth.  Check and check.

You can imagine the disarray in my house once I completed these tasks.  Two babies crying.  Both wet.  Both hungry.  I threw on some clothes, most of them semi-clean and mostly free of spit up.  Rushed as I was, I remembered to include the sexy undies.

Four hours later, spit up crusted in my  hair, mascara smudged all over my face, I was still feeling slightly sexy.  Because babies, you can vomit on my shirt, my neck, and even my face.  You can nurse until my boobs fall off.  You can pee on me every given chance.  You can put a dent in the sexy.  But you can't break the sexy.  Because the sexy undies are safe and protected under my sweatpants.  

Realizing my bladder was about to explode, I ran into the bathroom.  It was then that I noticed my underpants were on inside out.  And that my waist was through a leg hole.

I'm starting to wonder how many of the world's problems could be solved by simply going commando.


Christa said...

April- I love it, thanks for the laugh! You are so funny and yet sooo right! About 21 months later... still no sexy here :).

Tim Chadwick said...

I am pleased to see your enlightened vision on commando. However, I am surprised by your difficulty with undergibbs given your expertise with undershirts - which of course you have cut up in an ingenious (sexy??)

Caitlyn said...

April, this is by far the best blog I have ever read!!!! You so perfectly, specifically and honestly have explained your situation and the situation I am positive most moms have experienced and pondered. Thank you for putting this into writing for me to read-love it!

Anonymous said...

ah, april! i have so been there before. one day you will feel sexy again and even better than that you will then be considered a MILF...not to shabby. "you can't break the sexy" lol. xoxo Tiffany

Anonymous said...

How can you make me laugh so easily?! I'm just impressed the leg hole was around your waist! I'm jealous! You are sexy for sure if you can pull that off! I remember the day I went back to thongs....eww was my first response...but it ends up being okay at some point. Who can resist those comfy mesh panties from the hospital though?

Amy E said...

If you can get your waist through a leg hole in your already small undies after having 2 babies, you should feel very sexy!!

WannabeMommy said...

OK... I laughed out loud. That was awesome!!