Once we got the babies home from the hospital and life started to take on some sort of warped normalcy (because it can only be so normal when you're getting 30 minutes of sleep each night), I started thinking that somehow, someday, I might like to be sexy again. I realize that saying "again" presupposes that I was sexy "before." But there was a time.
So day by day, I started making efforts. I put my wedding band back on. Not, in itself, specifically sexy. But reminding my husband he married me and therefore is required to find me sexy couldn't hurt. One day I put on some mascara. I started wearing patchouli again, since everyone knows it's sexy to smell like the forest floor. I bought some Bio-Oil for the canyons they call stretch marks on my tummy. (And wow for Bio-Oil. I give you 117 random points. Because if I were the type of girl to post before and after pictures, wow.)
And then one day, I decided it was time to turn in the uber-comfy, up to my neck pregnancy undies. And to break out the slinkier, pre-baby ones.
To celebrate this milestone, I committed myself to also take a shower that day. Check. I committed myself to throwing on some chapstick. Check. I committed to brushing my hair AND my teeth. Check and check.
You can imagine the disarray in my house once I completed these tasks. Two babies crying. Both wet. Both hungry. I threw on some clothes, most of them semi-clean and mostly free of spit up. Rushed as I was, I remembered to include the sexy undies.
Four hours later, spit up crusted in my hair, mascara smudged all over my face, I was still feeling slightly sexy. Because babies, you can vomit on my shirt, my neck, and even my face. You can nurse until my boobs fall off. You can pee on me every given chance. You can put a dent in the sexy. But you can't break the sexy. Because the sexy undies are safe and protected under my sweatpants.
Realizing my bladder was about to explode, I ran into the bathroom. It was then that I noticed my underpants were on inside out. And that my waist was through a leg hole.
I'm starting to wonder how many of the world's problems could be solved by simply going commando.