Saturday, February 20, 2010

12 Month Checkup

Half-assed effort to convince self that we enjoy waking up this early.

Two diapers, successfully changed.

Feed the babies breakfast. Feeling of smug confidence, knowing that today we will get to the babies' doctor's appointment not only on time, but a full fifteen minutes early like they ask. Babies eat Kiwi for the first time and love it. Plan to leave at 9:30.

Both babies have fallen asleep following massive play session. Revise plan. We will leave at 10 and drive five over.

Shit. Literally and figuratively. Two more diapers changed. Screw the "fifteen minutes early" suggestion.


Pull into the parking lot for 11am appointment. Load Rhys into front carrier. Find a large chunk of Kiwi skin resting on Quin's shoulder, complete with tiny teeth marks and lots of saliva bubbles. Confused computation of time elapsed since breakfast. Certainty that all Kiwi skin was placed in the trash. Shrug it off. Hoist Quin onto hip. Sling massive diaper bag around neck. Run into the building.

Waiting room. Babies want no part of quiet lap sitting. Give in. Two babies on the floor. Bolt in different directions. Water cooler. Cups. Lots of water. Carpet. Outlet. Visions of children's services intervening. Redirect. End tables. Magazines. Fire extinguisher. Visions of children's services intervening. Our name is called. Tiny prayer of thanks to a god I'm uncertain about.

Neat and orderly exam room. Waiting for the doctor.

Chaos. Bright red biohazard disposal can. Curious minds. Drumming on the can. Pushing the can. Pulling on the plastic liner. Attempts to open the lid. Visions of children's services intervening. Redirect. Privacy curtain. Peekaboo. Pull on the curtain. Tangle up in the curtain. Shrieks of delight. Bumped head. Crying. Soothing. Look! Puzzles and books! Little interest.

Nurse arrives. Time for weights and lengths. Strong, foul odor. Poop. One more diaper, successfully changed. Wistful thoughts of potty training. Back to reality.

Doctor walks in. Lots of questions. Questions neatly written on paper. Babies want to eat paper. Redirect. Ask about everything. Everything. Doctor is patient. Babies are examined. Babies are healthy. Strong, foul odor. Poop. Naked Rhys. Distracted momma. Must get diaper. Splashing sound. Puddle. Splashing Quin. Laughing Rhys. Drenched wooden puzzle. Pee on Quin's face. Naked Rhys standing in the middle of it all. Pee covered feet. Relaxed doctor. "Urine is sterile." Puzzle in the sink. Wipe up the floor. Diaper is finally put in place. Back to questions. Chaos continues. Babies discover exam table. Stirrups. Can. Not. Resist. Babies discover secret corner behind exam table. Hidden electrical wires. Tiny space too small for big people. Momma squeezes in for baby removal. Second baby squeezes by. Doctor lends a hand. The list of questions is finally exhausted. Hot room. Time for shots. Tired momma. Waiting for the nurse. More biohazard can. More stirrups. More curtain. More corner of danger. Nurse returns. Shot out of stock. Sorry. Relieved momma. Oh wait. The family practice wing will have some. Waiting. Hot room. Sweaty momma. Tired momma. Biohazard can. Stirrups. Curtain. Corner. Books and puzzles are, apparently, boring. Nurse returns. Quin's up first. Prick. Hysterics. Rhys joins in to show his sympathy. Full lap. Not enough arms to fulfill necessary hugging and soothing. Rhys' turn. Prick. Hysterics haven't yet stopped from before. Intensify. Hot momma. Tired momma. Need. More. Arms. Band aids. Nurse says good bye. We are alone in the room. Hysterical. Hot. Overwhelmed. Must soothe. Must re-pack the diaper bag. Must put on coats. Babies on hips. Diaper bag around the neck. Massive. Heavy. Sippy cup falls out. Fuck. Just fuck. Bend down. Don't drop the babies. Sippy cup retrieved. Diaper bag spills onto floor. FUCK. Swearing. Sweating. Swearing. Quietly. Try again. Upright. Babies on hips. Diaper bag re-assembled. Out the door. Down the hall. Babies slipping. Stop. Hoist babies back up. Automatic door opening button is not working. Must need to be hit harder. Using elbow for this purpose. Hit. Hit. Hit. This will leave a bruise. FUCK IT. Open door with foot. Blow by checkout. Screw checkout. We're outside. Cool air. Almost to the car. Almost to the car. Where are the keys. ARGGGGHHH. Rhys is in. Diaper bag. So heavy. Pull off the neck. Sippy cup tumbles out. Rolls away. Retrieve it. Want to throw it. Babies are watching. Put it back in the bag. Quin deposited. Everyone is buckled up.

Turn the key in the ignition. Look at the clock on the dash. Holy mother of all mothers. Face flushes. Quick computation of time elapsed since arrival. Embarrassment. Wondering what note is going in the chart. "High needs." "Schedule PLENTY of time." Oh well.

Driving. Music. Sleeping babies.

We're all in one piece.


WildRose said...

Okay this had me laughing outloud!!!! It was the sippy cup part, and massive diaper bag!!!! Lol lol!!

Sades said...

Nice work April, I can't imagine soothing two post shot babies at once. Just so you don't feel too bad, we would spend 3 hrs at our well child visits in Bellingham, but 2 of those hours were spent waiting I swear! Those places are ridiculous.

Daryl said...

Where was father of adventurous twins? Did super mom decide she could do this alone? OY!

And I have to admit .. I laughed ...

freckletree. said...

this is probably the most perfect post of all time. seriously.

i don't do this shit alone. ever. because this always happens. always.

did i mention that this is perfect?

congratulations on *fuck*ing on your blog. i like to hear it.

Sarah F. said...

This is so funny, i'm sure it didn't seem funny to you at the time but this is great!!! Also I am totally impressed that you did this solo!!! I have not attempted the doctor solo yet as I know this is exactly what would happen:) Great post April!

Deb said...

Holy Mother of Twins ~ Next time, give me advance notice, and I am going with you.

SagePixie said...

OMG! I totally sympathize AND don't fret, you have two babies they book you for twice as long as everyone with one baby. If they didn't they should have ;-)
Love and Laughter,

Trish said...

My gosh, you are such a strong woman and mother! You have all my respect!

Little Miss Sunshine State said...

I landed here from a link on my friend's facebook page.

You perfectly capture life with little twins. My sister has twin boys. I think my Mom went over there every day for the first year.

There's a funny story about my sister turning her back on the boys for about 2 minutes when they were about 18 months old. They double-teamed the refrigerator door, took out the dozen eggs and were smashing them on the floor and into each others hair. They will be 22 years old in July and that story remains a family favorite.

Baby lock for the fridge door...that's my advice for you. Otherwise I think you're doing pretty well.

Mummy Dearest said...

You captured life with young children perfectly! The way one appointment consumes a day and all of our energy...!

dinnae said...

HILARIOUS!!! laughing out loud, so thankful that it wasn't me... (although i've been close, when taking a newborn and a toddler to visits, but at least the toddler could walk.)

you rock!

Anonymous said...

You just summed up a typical Dr. visit with my boys! Ours are always crazy too, so don't feel alone!