This morning I decided to make a smoothie. Although I seem to have no trouble gaining weight in this pregnancy, I feel like really "taking care of myself" has been a struggle. So a smoothie. Full of brewer's yeast, wheat germ, flax seed, fruit, yogurt, milk, all the good stuff. It took me ninety minutes to make. Not because I had to pick the fruit, milk the cows, or even grind the flax seed myself. No. It was because I am Mama and this morning, that meant diapers and bartering for peace and returning boy bits into diapers where they rightfully belong. But finally, I hit "blend" and had a luscious smoothie ready for my enjoyment. Sixty minutes later, after taking two sips and spending at least three quarters of an hour searching for (but never finding) Cookie Monster, I decided to really buckle down and just drink the damn thing. Enter toddlers into kitchen. "Noothie! Noothie!" Thirty minutes later, after consuming a good 80% of my breakfast, they were both busy tantruming over my glum announcement that our smoothie was all gone.
This is why I have not posted in four months.
This is the one thing that scares me about having a third baby.
I don't know how to get it all done.
Mothering, working, cleaning the house, making sure our refrigerator has more than an old jar of artichoke tapenade sitting on the top shelf, making sure we don't run out of dog food or milk or toilet paper, making sure Rhys and Quin know how much we love them and have the security in their world to grow into the people they deserve to be, making sure I remember to eat so that this new baby is born strong and healthy and robust...
...these are the things that I love and that consume me and often claim victory over my life.
And although it is crazy and full and hectic every second of every day, life has been really good.
I am still blown away by how lucky we are.
I still can't believe I'm pregnant. From sex.
By surprise. Unplanned.
An infertile girl's dream come true.
Speaking of girls, I'm gestating one, and feeling pretty thrilled about that.
I have other things I need to write about.
I need to write about how I weaned the babies and it broke my heart, about how we're planning a VBAC and I'm simultaneously thrilled and terrified, about how this pregnancy has been an exercise in feeling confident in myself as a mother while finding the strength to ignore advice and input that isn't helpful to me, and about how I'm trying to squeeze every last drop of experience out of this pregnancy to savor the right now.
It all has to come later, and I confess that I have no idea when that will be. Maybe this week, maybe next month. It all depends on how things go with my morning smoothie.