A moment later, you feel a sticky warmth against your belly. You look down, only to be overtaken by the horrendous realization that while your cleavage might be swell, those passers-by were more likely checking out the massive and rapidly growing milk stains running down the front of your shirt and pooling attractively in your postpartum pooch.
Grocery store. You've brought along your 16 year old mother's helper, because for the love of god, you learned your lesson the last time you tried to navigate the grocery store as the solo adult responsible for ensuring that nobody was left in the cereal aisle and now you're fairly certain that the store management is considering banning you for life. So now you've brought reinforcements, and the travelling
So you decide that an upcoming wedding will be your chance to get your swagger back. You order a flirty little number online and buy some killer heels. You buy spanx. Gulp. Cringe. Spanx.
You try it all on. You smile. Hoooooooo yeah.
You slink down the hall to the kitchen to show your husband. You spin around and ask, totally casually, "do you think this outfit will be okay for the wedding?"
You await and envision his response. "WOW." "You're stunning." "HEY SEXY MAMA!" "HOOOOOOOOOOOOO YEAH!"
He cocks his head to the side. "Yeah. That should work." He turns back around to the sink.
He will spend the next six weeks wondering why the OB suddenly "called" to advise that things are not healing well from the birth and will probably take at least another month or two.
You develop a new mantra, to cover all your bases:
I will embrace my maternal womanhood! Hoooooo yeah!
I will age gracefully and no matter how tempting, I will not bleach my hair, tuck my tummy, or resort to pink lip gloss! Hooooooooo yeah!
I will have my ass inappropriately pinched by a stranger at least once more in my life, even if I have to pay somebody to do it! Hooooooooo yeah!
I will not say "Hoooooooooooooooo yeah!" out loud even though I use it in my writing to emphasize points, because it makes me sound like I'm seventy! Hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo yeah!