Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Slaying the pink elephants

There are big, clumsy, pink elephants in the room of my subconscious. They are postpartum depression pink elephants. I'm ready for them to leave.

The more I've tried to convince myself that I will not think about pink elephants, the harder they've grown to ignore. It's time for a new game plan.

I desperately longed for my babies for years. I will not allow POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION to take this time from me. I accept that I cannot control what comes my way. But I am a mother, a wife. I am me. It's my move.

So I'm getting down to the dirty business of dealing with IT.

I'm choking down disgusting fish oil and getting out of the house. I'm talking about it when I want to and not talking about it when I don't. I'm acknowledging intrusive thoughts.

I'm blogging about it because terrible things happen because of POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION. Because it seems like something that happens to other people and because we're altogether far too dishonest with ourselves and with each other.

And if ignoring the pink elephants makes them stronger, I will use that to my advantage. I'm outing them. I am owning up.

Infertility did not define me. POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION does not define me. I am me. I am wife mother sister daughter friend niece granddaughter cousin neighbor blogger.

I am me.

10 comments:

Sades said...

And you are doing a fantastic job! Being all those things isn't easy, and neither are drastic life changes, whether we planned and longed for them or not. Miss you all, wish the cousins could be closer together so they could grow up knowing one another.

Anonymous said...

You are also strong. Stronger than you think. Stronger than you know. Keep believing in who you are and don't let the "doubt devils" haunt you. PPD is real, no doubt about it but you are doing everything right by talking about it, acknowledging it and focusing on yourself, your family and your two little angels.

Daryl said...

Anonymous said it perfectly. xo

Deb said...

I agree with all of the above comments AND as your mom I want to come over there and hug you, kiss you and make everything better. I will do whatever you need me to do and want me to do to slay the pink elephants. Love forever and always.

Parsing Nonsense said...

Oh lame, postpartum depression is such a jerk! Good on you for kicking it right in the face, though. Get that sucker in a full nelson and then push down until it screams for mercy. And then give it none.

Anonymous said...

Depression sucks.

Ursula

Grade A said...

Ahhh, that we could control everything...darn fallible human race species. Kick it hard and remember that it PPD does not define you.

Anonymous said...

Another mommy blog & one who talks openly about PPD and her battles... It's always somewhat comforting to know that you're not alone... http://www.dooce.com/

April said...

Thank you.

Amy said...

You are strong. Twins, nursing, working, cloth diapers. These are all things that you go above and beyond many people.

Missed you yesterday. We should try to meet up when we need some sanilty!!!

Amy