Sunday, August 17, 2008

tiptoeing

I've been a bad blogger again.



I've been quiet. And that's quite rare for me...both in the blogging world and the real.



Today I'm ten weeks pregnant. My babies are now officially considered fetuses. I am over the moon excited, yet for once in this very long journey, I don't know quite what to say.



I've spent the last month contemplating how to put my feelings into words, and the reality is I don't know how. I'll get back to that. In the meantime, here's what's been happening:



So many people have left me really nice comments. My mother and sister, quite the bloggers themselves, tell me it's rude that I don't reply to comments. I never knew that. I probably still won't really reply to comments. Not because I'm rude, but because good lord it took me a month to write this blog, imagine the lags I would have if I actually tried to step it up.



I've been living life as a wedding crasher. Except that I've been an invited guest. But goodness, is love in the air. If I'm out of touch with the blogosphere, all those lovebirds out there are not helping. The nerve. (Congratulations to all you beautiful people).



I've been sleeping. For probably 85% of the last month.



I gained six pounds and not an ounce of guilt.



I grew a little pot belly. And it's damn cute.



And through it all, I've felt moderately speechless. Through three years of infertility, I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I learned to live with a hugely broken heart and an overbearing sadness that was omnipresent. I never allowed myself to consider what life would be like if I became pregnant. And now I've become pregnant.



You'd think that after three years this wouldn't feel like a shock. At least that it wouldn't feel sudden. But it feels both shocking and sudden. It feels incredibly surreal. I'm terrified of waking up and falling back into the grips of infertility.



So I'm living life a little more quietly. Maybe I'm hoping that if I keep things on the real down-low, that infertility won't notice me quietly working my way through my first trimester. I'm taking it all in as I wait for my broken heart to do its healing. I'm awed by life in the absence of sadness. I feel cautious.



Slowly, I'm working on throwing that caution to the wind. But I'm taking baby steps to do it.

4 comments:

Sades said...

Do what ever you need to do for yourself. Pregnancy is hard enough as it is, without the prior trials of infertility. There is a lot that goes on internally, at least for me, to prepare you for the change from one to two. While I can't wait for our baby to arrive, I am treasuring every moment of just the two of us I have with my husband, and me time as well. I know those will be rare moments in the months to come, and it will not be just the two of us in the house for 20 years or so. That is a hard idea for me to grasp!! Just be thankful you have 9 months to think it all through and prepare. It may seem like a long wait, but it is needed and it goes by fast.
(And don't feel bad about not writing back to comments, I agree that would take a lifetime!)
Miss you, good luck!

Jilliane said...

Oh thank god the streak is over...now I can breathe.

Deb said...

Just breathe! And rub your beautiful belly (which is much bigger than a pot belly, by the way!) Continue feeding the sweet peas whatever they want - although go easy on the salt water taffy. Sleep lots and dream happy dreams - and I pray each day that they all come true! Love to all of you.

Christa said...

Hi April. I have goosebumps reading this past post. Everything you just said is exactly how I felt and got through that 1st trimester after so many years of infertility. So far your pregnancy is exactly like mine... and that is a really good thing. Sit back, relax and enjoy this time. Call me anytime if you have questions :) .