Monday, April 12, 2010

We now interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you a terrifically large and hysterical panic attack.

As a responsible and duly prepared parent, I've been readying myself for toddler-hood.  

In my head it goes something like this: 

As we ease into their second year of life, the babies will have learned to talk - in complete and rational sentences.  They will sleep through the night and thus their parents will as well.  Shortly after their second birthday, they will begin to have tantrums.  Their coolly competent mother will respond to these tantrums with a loving, patient, and gracious chuckle.  She will share knowing looks with kind strangers who will sigh wistfully and say things like, "ahhhh.  The terrible twos."  As those strangers walk away, they know they will sleep better tonight, with the understanding that today's children are being raised by such masters of motherhood.  "She makes it look so easy" they will say.  Playful angelic fairies will fly around farting honey.

And now here's what happened in real life:

Toddler-hood came bursting through our front door without knocking.  Swinging and punching with closed fists.  The asshole punched me in the trachea.  My sweet babies woke up one day with the sole desire to point out my utter incompetence as a mother.  I'm not ready.  I have not formulated my tantrum response yet!  I have not mastered the gracious chuckle!  I have been forced to fly by the seat of my pants and it is threatening to tear wide open and show the entire world my granny-panties, which I have peed in twice today already.  I am master of nothing but inconsistency.  Tantrums send me into a tailspin.  My sweet and innocent babes let loose with demonic shrieks I am certain they are wholly incapable of and I will do anything and everything to just. make. it. stop.  And then I realize that I'm likely encouraging my beautiful children to grow up sounding like Veronica from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, speaking with bizarre British accents and saying, "mother, make me more crepes this instant!"  So the next tantrum I respond by ignoring it completely while a tiny voice in my head whispers "refrigerator mother....refrigerator mother...refrigerator mother."    I mentally kick Leo Kanner square in the testicles and hurry into the kitchen to make some chamomile tea before I lose control and just start drinking mouthwash.

I've looked into what it would take to develop a light drug problem to help ease this time.  Am having a hard time deciding between huffing glue and prescription pills.  I hear glue is easier to obtain.


Babes Mami said...

Glue isn't what it used to be. I hear anxiety meds are good for this. Mine is only 9 months and I've already been debating them myself. Scenario one seems nice and I think the meds can make it more real! :]

Heather said...

I like your fantasy world. Can I move there please?

*she says over the attention seeking screams and sound of another pile of books being thrown off the book shelf*

Pretty please?

Daryl said...

Breathe .. deep cleansing breaths ... there is nothing you can do about this other than put them in a closet for the next 16 yrs ...

How funny the WV is upers .. hey I am just sayin'

Jillian said...

My baby is 14 months old today, and I could have written your post, except it wouldn't have been as humorous, and I would appeared like more of a whiner because I only have one. Seriously, you moms of multiples amaze me!

TheMinimalistLife said...

Its nice that it lasted so long for you...Mine came out throwing tantrums!!!!!

Well, almost, he was 4 months and its been downhill since then. He grabbed my side so hard (as he was screeching and throwing himself around) that I yelped today and I think, "he's only six months old...what do I do in a year????"