Monday, April 26, 2010

Ever found yourself screaming, "It's f@#^ing SLEEPY TIME!" at 3am? Well, mama, this post is for you.

There were a few times in college where I remember dramatically labeling myself "sleep deprived."  Doing so was kind of sexy.  Getting up and dragging oneself to class with tousled hair and last night's eye makeup smeared all over the left facial region said "I consider myself quite busy and important...too much so to shower before class.  Aren't I mysterious?"  Or something like that.  Young Hollywood seems to think itself chronically sleep deprived, with their ever-so-posh hospitalizations for "exhaustion."  

I have come to feel a bit territorial over the terms "sleep deprived" and "exhaustion."  Mothers are sleep deprived.  Every one else is just whiny.  (Disclaimer: My three-day sleep total = under twelve hours.  I am not rational, kind, or understanding at this moment.  Prepare to be offended.  Prepare to be horrified.  Just don't say I didn't warn you.)

Because our nation clearly has an issue tossing around the terms "sleep deprivation" and "exhaustion" like candy at a parade, let me attempt to set some new parameters to the concept.  If you cannot relate to the following incidents,  congratulations, you are NOT sleep deprived.  If you can, it's official.  You are sleep deprived.  Welcome to the club, sister.

You are definitely sleep deprived if...
  • You are writing/reading this post while eating an entire batch of buttercream frosting with a spoon.  Caffeine is too obvious and reeks of trying to hard.
  • Within the last week, you've turned to your husband at 4am and hissed, "I am going into the fucking kitchen to grab a fucking frying pan to fucking smash my fucking face in because I CANNOT fucking take any fucking more of this and I am so. fucking. tired." and he just rolled over and went back to sleep without saying a word because it's the third time you've threatened tonight and so far you seem to be making hollow threats.
  • You've zoned out for A TEENSY SECOND in the grocery store and upon zoning back in you find your fifteen month old standing up on the seat of the cart leaning into the back to pop open a beer.
  • In a desperate attempt to keep from becoming one of those mothers who yells, you've taken to loudly reciting children's books and songs when you've had it up to here: "I SAID A BOOM-CHICK-A-BOOM!  I SAID A BOOM-CHICK-A-BOOM!  I SAID A BOOM-CHICK-A-ROCKA-CHICK-A-ROCKA-CHICKA-BOOM!  Your children are terrified when you start to sing.
  • You've screamed, "it's FUCKING sleepy time!" at 3am and wondered who the crazy screaming woman is and how she got into your bed.
  • Yesterday you fell asleep laying in the middle of the living room floor with your fifteen month old twins playing loudly right next to you.  You woke up to find three sticky fingers in your nose, a thumb in your ear, and two smooshed noses pressed against your forehead.  
  • You've run out of diapers but because you are too tired to go to the store, you pray that nobody will poop.  Of course somebody poops, at which time you are faced with either fashioning a diaper out of duct tape and paper towels or opening the diaper, removing the poop, and re-applying the diaper like it never happened.  Since this is purely a hypothetical situation, we do not need to get into discussing the choice that was made.
I think you get the gist here.  Of course, do keep in mind that, as stated above, these are all purely hypothetical situations which probably definitely NEVER HAPPENED in my house.  But if they happened to you, I think you should know that you are probably definitely not alone.  Wink wink.  


Hi, I'm Natalie. said...

Lol. I wrote about motherhood and sleep last week, but my post was more of the "omg depressing" variety. (I love the hypothetical diaper/duct-tape solution, btw. =)

Christine said...

LOL! It's been a long time since any of those hypothetical events did NOT happen in my house. But I remember them all too well... cuz they were just dreams, I swear! LOL! Just think, you'll be sleep deprived for a whole set of different reasons when they are teens!

Anonymous said...

I swear, I am laughing WITH you- not AT you. No self-respecting mother could laugh at you. Ever.

Damn. You tarred and feathered 'sleep-deprived' and gave it duct-taped diapers of its own.

This absolutely made my day. It's been nine years since I was sleep deprived. *ahem*

Babes Mami said...

It's been awhile since a post made me laugh. Loudly. Getting looks from the husband. Thanks!

I have a few similar day we shall get sleep. I have no idea when.

Daryl said...

I think your use of Fuck is exemplary ... and the idea of re-using a disposable diaper that way is fucking brilliant. I was thinking maybe turn it inside out but remembered the outside is some non-bio ... never mind, its not a good idea.

Would it help to know someday this will be funny even to you? I didnt think so.


Jenny said...

LOVE this post. I am not half as sleep-deprived as you. I have an almost-3-year-old in her own room and an 8-month-old who nurses while I sleep. But there have been very rough nights in the recent past and probably are some more in my future. My problems at the moment are mostly getting screamed at and not having time to get things done because I have to choose between doing the work and getting screamed at, or not doing the work and holding a baby (while web-surfing). It's a no-brainer! What really aggravates the hell out of me is when non-parents have the gall to complain about being busy. I used to be one of them, too.

TempestBeauty said...

My entire blogging life has been about sleep, and the lack thereof.

My life was hell. And not fun. During the day, or at night, or at all.

At 13 months, things snapped. And changed. I wrote about it... worth a read. :/

Hugs momma. People who say they are 'tired'?... I want to SLAP them. But I get it.

Hilaree said...

Oh, very funny. Thank you for this. I'm new to your blog and agree wholeheartedly - I especially DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT from my single, childless friends who call, yawning, full description of how tired they are while casually painting their damn toenails or something. Meanwhile I fell asleep unintentionally today and was awakened every few minutes by three year old son jumping ON MY SKULL and yelling, "PYAY WIF MEE!!" Then I'd go right back to sleep.

Anonymous said...

Hysterical! I was reading this and attempting to nurse my crazy 15 mo. old down to sleep AGAIN but I was laughing so hard that she kept looking up at me and laughing too! Not helpful for that situation, but certainly is going to help me when I am up for the sixth time tonight and I get to think about how I'm not alone in my sleep-deprivation misery!

Thanks :-)

Mamma of 3 said...

Do you have a hidden camea in my house? I had a 5 minute conversation with my husband in the middle of the night that consisted of nothing more than the word "fuck". And at least you only hypothetically ran out of 1 size of diapers. I hypothetically resorted to putting my 5 week old in size 6 diapers and have now run out of those. I am trying to decide if potty training would be easier than going to the store. Oh to go back to those sleepy college days! At least we had the dining commons to feed us! (I could so go for an omlet right about now...but have no eggs, either!)

Sleepless Mum said...

I love it! My husband definitely does the rolling over and going back to sleep thing, and in the morning he pretends he was still asleep all along and can't remember anything, even me screeching 'I can't take this any more, get up and help meeeee', as if both of us being awake will somehow help the situation.

As an aside I hadn't heard or thought of 'Boom-chicka-boom' since I was at Girl Guide camp aged about 14. In those two lines you instantly took me back 15 years. Memories, memories!

TheMinimalistLife said...

OMG!!! I have wondered who was that women screaming in my bed before!!!!!!!! LOL...I'm laughing so hard it hurts. Thanks for that!!!