Friday, July 9, 2010

Blood Work

Sweet baby.
Today you needed some blood drawn.

First we went to the grocery store
where I bought you a balloon
because you were happy
and I felt ashamed that this world can be too harsh

Get Well Soon!
Scrawled across silver mylar
and I wish that towards the world

where you will be subjected to life
the difficult things we have to choose
needles
and the difficult things we never would
heartbreak

I couldn't bear to go into that tiny lab room with you
so your Papa held you on his lap

your brother and I distracting ourselves in the waiting room
until my guilt made me pass by the window

your tiny scared face
rightfully angry
hot tears and sweat

When Papa carried you out
the world could have split
you on one side
I on the other

and nothing
nothing
would have kept me
from pulling you into my arms
safe.

I'm so sorry that I cannot promise
smooth sailing from here

and even sorrier that I can promise
rocky seas will come

but that is life
and we're building you a strong ship.

Tonight we put you to bed
and at first you were happy

but then the tears swelled
a deep cry
and I couldn't stop imagining you
afraid of that needle

I went and first I held you
swaying
and then I put you back to bed
leaning into your crib
rubbing your back
and then my hand still
feeling your tiny breath

Twice I tried to take my hand away
your wide eyes found me
and back it went
until you made it safely to sleep

The trick, I think
is keeping that hand there
gently on your back

even once I've left the room.

6 comments:

Sades said...

Great post April and so relevant to how I have been feeling recently. We moved Audrey to her own room a few days ago, and he's doing great, but I'm really missing her. She seems so far away, even though she's just down the hall. Thankfully they take these steps towards independence slowly.

Deb said...

oh god...this was almost too painful to read. Sending love to those sweet babies and please know that their grammie and grampie will move mountains to protect them...forever and always. xo

Armando Codina said...

Well, I'm really missing her. She seems so far away, even though she's just down the hall. Thankfully they take these steps towards independence slowly.anyway thanx for the share.

freckletree. said...

exhaaaaaaaallle.

dear friend this grabbed my heart.

oil spills and wars and debt and disease and hunger.

but this REALLY grabbed my heart.

i'm sorry.

for you way more than him.

and don't ever make me think about them getting any older EVER. AGAIN.

Megan said...

I read this post that made my heart torn apart, I love your post.Thank you

Pamela said...

Yeah its painful to read. I was so sad while reading this post.