Thursday, September 9, 2010

Letting Go.

First it is summer.  We are finally sleeping at night, we have time for us, we are in a routine.  Our babies are toddlers, and they are delightful.  We are the small family we always wanted to be.

In creeps this unfinished business.  Suddenly I feel like this IUD is exactly what it is - birth CONTROL.  I can't escape the thought that infertility taught me to let go and yet inside my body is something with CONTROL in the title.  I need to face the unknown.  Need to face possibility.  Need to test my strength now that I am where I wanted to be.

We talk.  We discuss.  Do we want to open ourselves to possibility?  We feel pretty balanced as we are.  Kyle worries I will end up where I once was.  Heartbroken.  Depressed.  Disappointed.  Desperate.  And I say, therapeutically, I need this.  I remind him that it wouldn't be about trying for a baby, but to just let life happen.  He listens. 

We decide together.  Ditch the IUD. 

I feel free.

We move on.

Within a month I am disappointed in myself.

I suddenly don't want to nurse the babies anymore.  Could I be pregnant?

A week later.  I still don't want to nurse.  I feel tired.  Am I?

I start craving spice.  I describe my favorite Vietnamese and Thai foods to friends and feel like crying in my desperation to eat it all, now.

I have a talk with myself.  You don't even want to be pregnant right now.  It terrifies you.  You're back at your old tricks...one sleepy afternoon and it MUST be pregnancy, huh?  You're psychotic.  You made a mistake, removing that IUD.  You weren't ready for the unknown.  Don't let Kyle know you're obsessing over this.  Just don't.  You promised him you wouldn't go back there. 

I decide I will take a test on the sly.  Clear the slate.  Confirm what I know must be true.  I am not pregnant but I am insane.  Move on. 

I don't buy a test.  There's no good time.  No good time?

I am tired.  I want spice.  I am peeing awfully frequently.

I fess up to Kyle, sheepish.  I am obsessed with this idea that I'm pregnant.  I can't shake it.  I'm so embarrassed.  I need to take a test, and then I will move on.

I have no idea what he thinks. 

He buys a test on his way home from work. 

Seven weeks have passed since my IUD was removed.

I tear off the cellophane wrapper and run into the bathroom.

I look forward to breathing again.

I pee.

I start to set the test on the counter when I see the blue plus sign.

A blue plus sign.

A blue plus sign.

A blue plus sign.

The symbol I dreamed about through three years of infertility.  The moment I coveted with every desperate cell of my being - casually taking a test, only to find that, indeed, I am pregnant.

25 comments:

Colleen and Jim Dahlem said...

Oh my goodness....Congrats!

Sades said...

Hooray for making through the first 11 weeks! I can't imagine pregnancy with a toddler, never mind two! Miss you guys so much.

Daryl said...

mazel tov!!!!!! .... its what everyone always says .. eliminate the pressure, the angst the (no pun intended) expectations and pouff .. pregnant ...

TempestBeauty said...

Congratulations!

:)

Christa said...

Hi April, Congrats!! My twins were 13 months when I found out I was pregnant with our third (super super surprised after all we went through for 8 years).

Having young twins and being pregnant... It is wild and crazy but amazingly wonderful at the same time.

mamapoekie said...

Wow congratulations!!! I cannot imagine that ever happening... that must be so... uh... I don't know the words. I'm in the "I want a baby and it doesn't come" boat - as you were before, so this just seems so surreal

Sarah said...

Oh my gosh!!! I am so excited for you all. Congratulations!!!!!

XOXO

Tacey said...

Congratulations!

Jenny said...

Congratulations! I love this post. Taking a pregnancy test has always felt to me like riding a rollercoaster. I am about 11 weeks pregnant with a surprise baby right now. Took four tests before I could believe it.

The Bodhi Chicklet said...

Well that's wonderful! You decided to let life happen and it's happening and it will be alright. Another life to celebrate, so go and celebrate - just remember you'll have to pee soon!

Hanneke Nelson said...

Congratulations! What a wonderful surprise.

shannon kelley said...

Congrats to your family! Love you all xoxoxo

Jenny Cullen said...

Oh April - I am so excited for you and Kyle! My babies will only be 17.5 months apart and I'm scared (throw my 6 year old into that mix, as well as "old age") - but it all is a wonderful opportunity to just give more love (I know you have an overflowing amount!)
Congratulations!

Jenny Cullen said...

Oh April - I am so excited for you and Kyle! My babies will only be 17.5 months apart and I'm scared (throw my 6 year old into that mix, as well as "old age") - but it all is a wonderful opportunity to just give more love (I know you have an overflowing amount!)
Congratulations!

Anonymous said...

Holy crap!


xoxo

Ursula

kelly @kellynaturally said...

Hooray! Congratulations!!

Grade A said...

Life is so crazy. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!

Sandra said...

Congratulations!!! And a great post! I'd noticed things were suspiciously quiet on your blog lately.

My Grandmother used to say that the love of one child brings others. (After TTC for over a decade, she miraculously gave birth to 6 children in 7 years).

So I guess the love of twins must upblock tubes and fix male factor because I'm also pregnant again:-) Something in the water perhaps?

Julia Shober said...

congrats!!! i can imagine the terrifying thoughts...but i long to be in your shoes right now! hopefully soon we'll be expecting #2.

oh, and i awarded you the One Lovely Blog award on my blog!

http://catskillgreen.blogspot.com/2010/09/one-lovely-blog-award.html

(crazy, my word verification is 'wants')

Anonymous said...

Congratulations!!!

I love the way you capture your feelings and adventures in writing. Beautifully written, as always.

~Jaime

Anonymous said...

I know you must be busy but I admit I check your blog frequently for updates. I hope you update soon!

Parsing Nonsense said...

NO WAY!!! Congrats lady, that is so awesome!!!

Jennifer said...

I am about 11 weeks pregnant with a surprise baby right now. Took four tests before I could believe it.

WannabeMommy said...

That is amazing news. Take THAT, infertility!!

Congrats.

Tulsa Courthouse said...

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