Thursday, October 22, 2009

Poop. Yup. Poop.

So if you were so excited to get to the juicy details and skimmed over the title, let me offer it once more. This post is about poop.

Is this what it has come to? Am I forever reduced to the intrigues of BM's? Will I ever get out of sweatpants and brush my hair again? And when will Pandora get it through its thick cyber-brain that I unequivocally do not want to listen to songs by Barney?

But the reality is that this is a fleeting moment in time. Almost nine months have gone by. Nine months! And when I wanted this, I wanted it all. I'm going to savor every last drop: the faces they make when trying a new food for the first time, their fascination with Bella's food dish, the sweet, cooing mamamamamamamamama sounds they make. And poop.

Prior to motherhood, I had heard tales of this ridiculous obsession with poop that afflicts many new mothers. I knew that I would never be one of those. And for the larger part of nine months, I haven't been. It kind of went like this: Babies eat. Babies poop. Parents change diapers. Repeat. What's there to get all in a tizzy about?

And then we started solid foods.

From there, poop has just really gotten, well, fun. Kind of like the train wreck that is Jon and Kate Plus Eight. You're sick of it, sick of them. Yet you can't seem to pull yourself away. You've Googled them on your lunch break just to get one more bit of delicious juiciness. You never know what it will be next. Or when they'll pop up in the news next to important stories like current events in Afghanistan. And so it goes with poop.

Sure, my new-found interest in poop does little for the resume. I don't care. It may be wildly indulgent of me, but I'm embracing this long-awaited milestone of motherhood and sharing. Poop stories. I'll keep them brief.

I get periodic emails from which I find mostly annoying. Recently, one arrived in my inbox titled, "Baby Poop. A visual guide." UGH, I thought. How disgusting. How insulting. Like new mothers have no need to know about more important things in this world. Three seconds later I was scooping that email out of my trash box like it was candy and scanning through the images while performing a mental comparison of every diaper I've ever changed. Satisfied that my babies are the proud owners of normal bowel habits, I closed the email and promptly deleted my browsing history. (Now you have to know, don't you? Here.)

The other day I was changing Quin's diaper. I love to make the babies giggle by giving them big tummy tickles and raspberries. I was going in for some good gigglage when I noticed a tiny little bead in his belly button. What a bizarre find! I scooped out a perfectly round little piece of clay. And as I was inspecting this clay, racking my brain to figure out how it got in there, holding it close to my eye to determine it's origin, it came to me. Feces. Poop! On my finger. Close to my eye. Out of my child's belly button. A perfect little ball of poop. Do not judge my diaper changing abilities, or the thoroughness of my wiping. They're perfectly fine. The poop ball just happened. I don't know how.

Every night before bed, the babies get a warm bath. We've gotten into the habit of changing them on the living room floor (does anyone actually use a changing table?) and then leaving the dirty diapers and clothes while we give them their baths and put them to bed. Once they're asleep, we get to the business of taking care of our messy living room, including putting the dirty diapers in the wash. The other night, one of the babies had a particularly huge blowout. After getting them to sleep, we decided a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors, would be the only fair way to determine which of us would be responsible for taking care of the poopy explosion. I looked over at the two dirty diapers, hoping I would not be the one. And then I did a double take. The diapers were still there, but totally poop-less. The wipes we had used were not on the pile of diapers and covers where we had left them, but rather set aside in a neat little bundle. Even these had barely a trace of what had been there only minutes before. I looked at Kyle. He looked at the diapers. And then we looked at Bella. Laying on her bed, licking her lips.

I feel better. Purged, even.


Jasmine said...

So glad to hear someone else's dog also eats baby poop!

Anonymous said...

aughhhh gross!

Jenera said...

Being a parent is always about pooping or other bathroom habits. It doesn't change, lol.

Daryl said...

I am really truly sitting here laughing like a loon, I so wish I had come by yesterday when my life was all drama and insanity I could have used this laugh

When we were growing up and had a dog we discovered that if we didnt watch her she would eat her own poop........given that she loved her food I am not surprised .. after all it was just well her food

Anonymous said...

Regarding Bella's lab eating habits: Ewww! Moving along: Changing tables are the biggest waste of money. No matter how many people to whom I diplomatically suggest ("I know it sounds silly, but I don't think I ever used a changing table, I usually used our bed with a pad. In fact, I don't know anyone who uses theirs on a regular basis")that perhaps that $75 could be better spent, they all buy them. There must be a changing table cartel in this country. What other culture emphasizes the importance of a table four feet off the ground with little wiggle room, and off which many children fell until the invention of the changing table seat belt? Sigh.

Jilliane said...

I think you should be thanking Bella for cleaning up the mess that you and Kyle had to rock-paper-scissors over. Good doggie. More importantly, did she throw up in the basement??

Sades said...

Finally something Bella is not allergic too!

freckletree. said...

i know you were all "i'm not letting her kiss me tonight!" and then you forgot. i guess that's not so bad, i'd happily kiss my kids' poop any day.

one million thanks for the visuals. i couldn't be happier with a sunday night. however, i'm a bit confused as to why babycenter is screwing with us. surely they realize that we know exact what maggots look like. and great job, parent that left a dirty diaper on the floor long enough to inhabit maggots. i'm instantly a better mother.

WannabeMommy said...

Ugh.... will you ever kiss bella again??