To everyone who saw me today and is now coveting my look.

You want to know my secret. My je ne sais quoi.

I don't blame you.

It's an essence. An aura. A little something to leave people wondering.

Well friends, I leave you in restless wonder no more.

First off, the scent. So woodsy, with notes of warm spice and a slight bite at the end. What was that alluring smell I brought with me into the workplace today? No, not an expensive European perfume. Actually, it was mostly urine. See, I was peed on while breastfeeding a baby on my way out the door. No time to change, but meh. No problem. That's why God invented the blow dryer. Heaven knows that dandy little tool hasn't been put to use on my hair in ages. It dried the pee in a jiffy.

Not one to let a little pee hold me back, I still had one baby to feed before I could in good parental conscience leave. It was this second baby who decided to join in the fun by returning large quantities of half-digested milk on the pee-free parts of my dress. No time to change, and now no time to blow dry. I grabbed a kind-of clean diaper, wiped off the chunks, and spritzed on a few squirts of patchouli.

To my tolerant co-workers and fellow lunchtime errand-runners: I apologize if you found my intoxicating scent distracting. I sure did.

I'm also sorry that I couldn't leave well enough alone. That I had to step up my game to the next level of amazing-ness by dropping chocolate all over the front of my dress while scarfing down a candy bar on my way back to work. And that the chocolate had to melt in multiple intriguing places and leave everyone wondering just what I had been up to during my lunch break. This sort of trick is just another element of my mystique.

I like to think that I'm a graceful mess. That as I ran through the rain (my umbrella safe and dry inside my car) into the office shoveling lukewarm french fries into my mouth and carrying a rotisserie chicken under one arm (really), people who saw me started humming the chorus to "sexy back."

In celebration, I jammed out to that very song on my way home. Listening, of course, through my husband's ear warmer headphones on the iPod, since my car speakers are broken and really it's not too warm for ear warmers this July anyway.

You just can't touch this.