Wednesday, July 29, 2009

six months

My babies turn six months old today.

Now that I have two babies, people often ask me, "Isn't it hard to remember life without them?"

And for a second I feel bad, and uncomfortable, and unsure how to answer. For me, it's not hard. I remember very clearly my life before babies.

I remember desperately wanting to be a mother. To know what it would feel like to be pregnant, to breastfeed. To create a human being with the person that I love. I remember feeling like I would suffocate under the astounding and oppressive unknown. I remember bitterly hating the cruel unfairness that is infertility.

I remember trying to explain to people that I was not unhappy in my life. But that with my happiness, with my love for my husband and my love for life, I carried the weight of a sadness I didn't know how to handle.

There is not a day that goes by where I forget any of that.

Words seem petty and foolish when I try to use them to describe my love for our babies. Words like "amazing" and "incredible" only frustrate me for their weakness.

Little details blow me away. Like the golden wisps on top of Rhys' head. Or the way Quin coos when he catches me smiling at him. The fact that my babies have these perfect tiny little hands, hands that curl around my finger in the middle of the night, clenching and unclenching as they nurse off to sleep.

This too feels unbelievably unfair. The tables have turned and I have an amazing and terrifying abundance.

I remember life before. I choose this. Again and again, I choose this.


8 comments:

Jilliane said...

I too remember your life before and see how much more fulfilled you are. But I am humbled by the fact that you don't forget what it felt like to actually want. It is what makes you an inspiration and you are who you are today because of what you went through. And your strength through it all is what makes me love you more.

Hilary said...

Your wee ones are blessed to be born to so much love. Just lovely. :)

m said...

(tears.)

A beautiful post. One filled with gratitude and love. There is nothing unfair about you having 2 beautiful babies. Nothing.

Daryl said...

I think someday when these babies are bothersome boys you will find this place in your heart and remember ... so much love ... it makes my heart full

Parsing Nonsense said...

I'm really glad that your life pre-babies hasn't faded away, because it seems almost as though your experiences and hardships have made motherhood sweeter, more poignant for you.

WannabeMommy said...

I applaud you for remembering life pre-twins; it shows what a humble, grateful, and authentic person you are. I hope someday to share your same viewpoint!

Deb said...

I love the fact that you appreciate the 'little' things that really are the 'big' things ~ the wispy hair, the coos, the little hand clenching your finger...so many people miss these moments. And I am so proud of you. Happy Birthday Boys! Grammie is making you cupcakes with lots of frosting! Gooey frosting!

Lani said...

I know exactly what you mean:)