Wednesday, September 16, 2009

From now on I'll be blogging about irrational animal fears.

Last week the babies and I were chased by a demonic cow.

This week?

An asshole of a mule with an extraordinarily large penis.

I wish I were joking.

With my trusty hammer safely tucked into the under-basket of our stroller, I set out on our typical route for a nice autumn walk. As we approached the scene of the cow chase, I scanned the fields warily. No cows.


I noticed an absolutely benign looking mule. Half donkey, half horse. Typically infertile. Finally, an animal I have something in common with. He stood next to the fence grazing. I gave a psychic little hello and walked on.

And then he brayed. A terrible, bone rattling bray.

And starting trotting along the fence next to us.

I walked faster. He trotted faster. I picked it up to a jog. He galloped.

In the distance, I could see the electric fence cutting through the field sectioning it off. Safety was in sight.

As I sprinted toward it, I started to have my doubts.

What if the fence is only for looks? What if these farmers did not pay their electric bill and it's not working? What if this incredibly well endowed mule leaps over it in a frothing, blood thirsty frenzy?

The fence worked. The mule stopped.

I stopped.

I turned and looked at his ugly squinty eyes and long nose. It occurred to me that I have developed a raging farm animal phobia. I googled this. Zoophobia. Ah ha.

And I don't know why I suddenly seem to have this raw animal magnetism. The last thing I want is to attract the attention of large domesticated animals. Is it our bright orange stroller? Is it the patchouli? Or is it that they sense the fear oozing out of my pores like fat on bacon?

The realist in me does not intervene to come up with helpful, practical reasons why these large beasts will not break through their fence and stampede me like kindergartners on ants. My inner realist does, however, show up three thoughts too late to remind me that a hammer is likely a poor choice of weapon against an attacking mule in the 800-1000 lb range. Stop mule, stop! I insist. Disobey me and I will render a massive goose-egg on your head! A MASSIVE GOOSE EGG! I wonder if Google can help me get one of those tranquilizer dart guns they use on Animal Planet to sedate lions.

I find myself casually hoping that a mosquito infected with EEE or West Nile Virus will stop for a little mule snack on its way through the neighborhood. Does that make me a bad person, or just an optimistic Zoophobe?

Where am I going with all of this?

I have no idea. But probably not on a walk. Not until Google comes through for me with those tranquilizer darts.


amazingk8 said...

I think you should get a tazer. That way when we see on the national news that a woman tazed a cow, we can chuckle and know it was you! Maybe this farm is raising uber-aggressive beasts?

I have a fear of horses. My husband's family raises them and if they ever knew about my fear they would probably disown us. At the very least, his 10 year old cousin would tease me endlessly.

Melissa said...

yeah you're emitting something I'd say! whether it's patchouli, fear, or a 3rd as yet undiscovered option, I've never heard of barnyard animals being so interested in a human being. I'm also wondering if perhaps you are just having very vivid hallucinations perhaps? I do believe that's about as likely as an extreme case of zoophobia, or perhaps even a symptom.

Daryl said...

So I am thinking, how did I miss this yesterday and more importantly .. April .. is this path you take one which doesnt get a lot of foot traffic? Why do I ask? Well, I am thinking these animals are not angry or wanting to attack, I am thinking they are friendly and are happy to see you and the bright orange stroller ... maybe .. could be .. hey ... I am a city gal what do I know from farm animals.

WannabeMommy said...

Dang... and I thought infertility was scary.

Sades said...

Well you have to admit you don't have the best history with animals. Let's see, being chased by a dead rat, a psychotic cat, and a dog that is allergic to everything imaginable! I think you should stay clear of all animals.

There is the possibility that you are encountering a modern live version of Animal Farm. In which case, I would say make friends with the pigs soon, before you get on their bad sides too!

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Parsing Nonsense said...

Maybe they're just bored? If all I did was stand around in a field, I'd probably start stalking passersby too.

Or, maybe your stroller makes you look like some kind of kindred creature and they're trying to make friends?