Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Wanting

I remember in college once making the remark that I didn't "believe" in infertility treatments. That couples who couldn't have children should adopt one of the tens of thousands of children alone in this world without parents. I remember being disgusted at the millions of self-absorbed dollars that were thrown at the fertility industry. At those poor, driven women who would stop at nothing for a child of their own.

I can almost remember what it felt like to assume that I knew something. What it felt like to believe. To take for granted the fact that I would have my own children. So much so that I didn't even stop to consider compassion.

Having is a weak emotion. Having lets you loosen your grip. Lets you get careless. Wanting is where the strength is, the passion.

These days I grasp for dear life to my mind's picture of my maybe child. Those small, curling fingers. Tiny feet, miniature toenails. All of the love in the world renewed.

My linen closet is stacked with drugs. I have crisp white paper bags full of syringes that terrify me. Small glass vials of clear liquid. I brought them home and proceeded to reorganize the entire closet to make room. To give the impression of calm control. Everything is okay in a house with neatly folded towels.

Any fear, any hope, is hidden quietly among the sheets.

3 comments:

Sades said...

April, you are definitely full of strength and passion, and an inspiration. It's amazing the strength we can find hidden in ourselves when we're motivated by love and desire.

Debbie said...

You are amazing - always have been, always will be. Just know that you do HAVE the love and support forever and ever of your entire family and friends. Let that unconditional love wrap around you so it can comfort you, protect you and lift you up. Love, Mom aka the Falcon.

Christa said...

April- I wish the best for you during this first IVF cycle. Someday, you will look back at this blog with your adult child. I wish I had documented more about my journey through infertility and IVF.
Take care and know that we are all thinking of you!
Christa