Monday, June 30, 2008

Living. Waiting.

It's Monday evening.

I successfully completed a fairly productive day of work.

Bed rest is over. :(

I remarked to someone at work today that I haven't started to dissect every little thing that's going on in my body to determine if it might be a pregnancy symptom. Ever since, I've been dissecting every little thing that's going on in my body to determine if it might be a pregnancy symptom, or worse, a PMS symptom.

I had a wicked sugar craving this afternoon, and it has occurred to me that this very well could be the first signs of PMS. I bought a jumbo sized box of skittles and sucked the sugary coating off of every single one while I drove home from work. Gained some guilt, lost the craving.

A week from now, I will know whether or not I am pregnant. This afternoon, I felt the first true twinges of sadness at the thought that this may not result in a baby. Maybe it's being out of my bed rest bubble and back into the real world that I am finally seeing the dust settle around my IVF whirlwind.

I have not lost hope. I have gained fear.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Screw the real world and all the negativity out there, hop right back in your bubble. Gaining fear goes hand in hand with losing hope. What you fear are the negative results, saying you havent lost hope is a bit of a lie.

Thats like me saying, "Im not worried Im going to run out of gas, Im just scared Ill get stuck on the side of the highway."

Forget what can go wrong and keep thinking what will go right. We all are.

Love you,

a soon to be uncle