Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Acquiescence

A couple of years ago, in a rare moment of infertility-induced hysterical clarity, I pulled into a tattoo parlor on my way home from work and had them stamp the word "Acceptance" on my back.  Courier new, font size twenty.


I should have had this stamped on my forehead.


People who see this tattoo might think I'm bragging about my ability to roll with life's punches.  And sometimes they probably think I'm a recovered meth addict.  Neither happen to be true.


It's simply a reminder.  A reminder that might serve me better if I had really committed the first time around and slapped it on my face rather than between my shoulder blades, where, incidentally, I rarely look.


I thought infertility was life's lesson to me in acceptance.  I got it.  I gave myself over.  I let go.


It only seemed logical that in my happily-ever-after, life would always be easy to accept because I GET IT NOW and people who GET IT don't have to get spanked by life's little lessons.


I have these two perfect little beings.  I waited and waited for them.  They are here and I cannot stop being acutely aware.  Aware of my love for them, my amazement that they're real, the absolute miracle of it all.


Aware that I feel resentful at anything and everything in my life that takes me away.


I don't know if I want to acquiesce to that.

9 comments:

Jilliane said...

I'm not gonna lie...I had to look up the word acquiesce. Big words and I don't mix well, but I loved the post!

Kim190381 said...

Jill, you made me look it up too! I started to question if I knew what it meant! April, great post!

Daryl said...

I knew what it meant but I was transfixed by the thought of a tat between the shoulder blades in 20 pt type and Acceptance is a looong word ... probably hurt worse than a contraction which is also a long word.

Nevertheless, its a good post

Parsing Nonsense said...

I'm not sure accepting it is the same thing as liking it. It sounds like you've already accepted it and are now learning to live with it.

david mcmahon said...

Daryl told me I simply had to come here - and yes, she was right! Great blog, wonderful writing style.

Anonymous said...

April,

You are likely the only one looking around thinking that people are meth addicts.

And of course you get it. You're a smart cookie.

Ursula

WannabeMommy said...

Acceptance is something I'm always working on. But that's the rub... it's impossible to WORK on it, it's something you just DO.

Maybe if I tattoo it on my back the idea will just seep in thru my pores ??

Anonymous said...

Question for you: do you have a job other than full-time mommy? If not, what did you do before being a mommy? Just curious because you sound very smart.

April said...

Jill and Kim- I love you guys!

Daryl- It didn't hurt that bad...and I'm a baby. But I also have a weird love of tattoos and find them to generally not be nearly as painful as they should be!

Parsing Nonsense- Good insight there. Accepting and liking are definitely NOT the same. I need to remember that. Another tattoo, perhaps?

David - Thank you! So glad you visited.

Ursula- I love you too. You're just way too nice to make assumptions about meth addicts. Not me!

WannabeMommy- You're right. And the tattoo did help!

Anonymous-Yes, I have another job. I work part time for a local non-profit.